the dark night of the soul

2022 was the hardest season of my life. Two years out, and I can finally write about it, talk about it, chat about it over coffee, without worrying the pain of that season will overtake me and make me non-functional. Since then, I’ve talked to a lot of people who experienced similar “hardest time of my life” seasons that year. Whatever the reason for that, I felt like the constant torment I found myself in kept coming back for an opportunity for one more shot to my being, my identity, my confidence. Not only that, but two of my family members nearly died that year. 

I could feel myself turning my back on God, as the pain compounded with social isolation and family members’ trauma culminated into a burden too great to bear. Surely this was not Him. How confusing.

The dark night of the soul. It sounds so mystical, almost romantic. You read books by Victor Frankl and Corrie Ten Boom on how God’s love and forgiveness overcomes even the darkest of nights. I feel like my life was changed reading both of their books. But it’s quite another story when it’s your own dark night. Victor Frankl chose to stay in Germany, even when he had a chance to flee before the Jews were taken to camps. He suffered unspeakable agonies. He lost his wife. He came out and developed a working theory that suffering, even in its most extreme forms, can be a source of meaning if one chooses to find purpose within it.

I’m still finding that meaning. But slowly I’m starting to see the glimmers of hope weave themselves into the tapestry and change the whole canvas. The love, even in the dark moments. The restoration I already am experiencing. The healing in my family. The wonder of a depth of love that drew me out of the dark night. The honesty I feel so passionate about, so people don’t have to feel like they need to hide. 

I think what people are ultimately searching for: connection, purpose, to feel significant, love, to be known; is put there intentionally. It’s woven in us before the beginning of time by a God who already knows us and is outside of time. Those dark nights threaten that fruition. But then we see another way, a purpose that emerges from the dark nights. We actually learn of the power of forgiveness. We see a greater truth than the experience only. We wonder how we are still alive, but we are. Then, we realize we’re alive at this time in history for reasons outside of my tiny little brain. And these glimmers we found in the dark night end up becoming the bedrock of our journey.

All of Heaven is cheering us on as we live to leave a mark on this world that will ripple into eternity.