the dark night of the soul
2022 was the hardest season of my life. Two years out, and I can finally write about it, talk about it, chat about it over coffee, without worrying the pain of that season will overtake me and make me non-functional. Since then, I’ve talked to a lot of people who experienced similar “hardest time of my life” seasons that year. Whatever the reason for that, I felt like the constant torment I found myself in kept coming back for an opportunity for one more shot to my being, my identity, my confidence. Not only that, but two of my family members nearly died that year.
I could feel myself turning my back on God, as the pain compounded with social isolation and family members’ trauma culminated into a burden too great to bear. Surely this was not Him. How confusing.
The dark night of the soul. It sounds so mystical, almost romantic. You read books by Victor Frankl and Corrie Ten Boom on how God’s love and forgiveness overcomes even the darkest of nights. I feel like my life was changed reading both of their books. But it’s quite another story when it’s your own dark night. Victor Frankl chose to stay in Germany, even when he had a chance to flee before the Jews were taken to camps. He suffered unspeakable agonies. He lost his wife. He came out and developed a working theory that suffering, even in its most extreme forms, can be a source of meaning if one chooses to find purpose within it.
I’m still finding that meaning. But slowly I’m starting to see the glimmers of hope weave themselves into the tapestry and change the whole canvas. The love, even in the dark moments. The restoration I already am experiencing. The healing in my family. The wonder of a depth of love that drew me out of the dark night. The honesty I feel so passionate about, so people don’t have to feel like they need to hide.
I think what people are ultimately searching for: connection, purpose, to feel significant, love, to be known; is put there intentionally. It’s woven in us before the beginning of time by a God who already knows us and is outside of time. Those dark nights threaten that fruition. But then we see another way, a purpose that emerges from the dark nights. We actually learn of the power of forgiveness. We see a greater truth than the experience only. We wonder how we are still alive, but we are. Then, we realize we’re alive at this time in history for reasons outside of my tiny little brain. And these glimmers we found in the dark night end up becoming the bedrock of our journey.
All of Heaven is cheering us on as we live to leave a mark on this world that will ripple into eternity.
Generator of Diversity
This christmas season was filled with two weeks of catching up with friends I haven't seen for 15 years, getting reacquainted with cousins I never got close to growing up, and being surrounded by a constant reminder of the love of family. I laughed at the quirks you notice when you’re with people you haven't spent time with in a while. My mom narrating the entire movie as we watch it on Christmas day, my Amish uncle’s astonishment at my age and warning me not to marry a democrat, my friend rushing into dinner and knocking a martini glass down. I fell deeper in love with the people around me and God and myself.
My brother and I were talking to a third cousin (or second? Or our grandpa’s brother’s grandson, whoever that would be to us), and he was talking about a revelation he had about white blood cells and what that was for him in relation to the body of Christ. I was thinking how autoimmune diseases occur when white blood cells attack their own healthy cells and tissues and how the body destroys itself from the inside out when that happens. And acceptance and healing of trauma have to be part of this. Autoimmune diseases can occur after unhealed trauma and I had this beautiful encounter where I just was so deeply feeling the acceptance of God in all my flaws I was trying to fix myself from!- and felt so healed after. I digress. I’m sure more to dissect on this later…
Meanwhile, in this conversation, my brother (who is a brilliant, semi-photographic memory, doctor) was thinking about immunology and the GOD problem. What.
Generator of diversity. Referred to as the GOD problem in science “involves the random rearrangement of gene segments (variable (V), diversity (D), and joining (J)) within B cells, creating a vast array of unique antibody sequences before encountering an antigen”
Basically, our immune system is so advanced and adaptive that our cells do a somatic process that forms unique ways to protect the body against never-before encountered antigens. Just thinking about this opens whole new levels to the complexity and depth of how we are created! We literally have “random” sequenced antibodies that are ready to protect our bodies from foreign agents. Not just foreign agents already introduced to our bodies, but protection against NEW antigens.
Solutions already thought of for us.
Crazy.
I completely nerd out about these things. Merging of science and God.
And am constantly brought back to awe and wonder at God and how he created us and things like the GOD problem
a metaphor for life…
I always get a little wary when I feel like experiences I’m facing are a metaphor for life. Like ok, does it have to be this painful to learn this? And when does this metaphor end? and when in “life” is this going to be actually helpful? Are we always going through “life tests” or just sometimes? Regardless, it is still worth trying new adventures. Even if it feels accomplishing just to say I tried it.
I got inspired about eight months ago and signed up for a half marathon with a friend. I had plenty of time to train, we could make it a fun weekend, and that feels great to say I accomplished something new! Six months later, I had not trained at all, this friend and I weren’t even speaking, and I realized it was TRAIL run. Much different than a road race, as I learned from my marathoner friends. I was really bummed out.
I recruited a new running buddy, explored Redding trail runs on the weekends, and reached out to new friends to travel with me to the race. By the time weekend came, I was exhausted. My days at work had been so full. The trail running shoes I ordered for the race didn’t fit, and I was worried I had not trained enough for the 13 miles! But I found some new friends who wanted to spend the weekend in beautiful Calistoga, so off we went.
The night before the race I barely slept. I woke up the next morning wondering why I was doing this race at all. I didn’t feel prepared. Why am I doing this random half marathon? I felt like this race was a metaphor for life and I was so nervous. Nervous I wouldn’t finish. Nervous I would twist my ankle. Nervous about doing the trail by myself.
But I was about to enter a whole new world…
The adrenaline of the other runners, the beauty of the redwood forests, and the tranquil sound of the streams around me as I ran had me falling in love. As I started off, I felt the Lord say, “it’s easier than you think”. And it was. The trail was hard, but I walked up hills when I needed to. My original friend didn’t do the race with me, but I had three friends along with me cheering me on as I crossed the finish line! I started crying on my second lap just realizing the beauty of the trail and feeling the Lord’s presence on the run. It felt incredibly accomplishing to cross that finish line. I finished at about 11 minute per mile pace, which was much faster than I had been training. To end it all, we went for a beautiful dinner in downtown Napa at the end of the night. It was one of the best 24 hours of my life.
I decided… I’m officially hooked, and am already planning my next half marathon. Sometimes things aren’t as impossible as they seem or as hard as I imagine them to be. And I find I’m just as prepared as I need to be.
and then there’s grace
“Grace is the antidote to shame.” He stood at the front of the classroom crying as he did this lesson. Much less a lesson and much more a holy, spiritual impartation. My therapy professor told stories that day of women who had been so badly abused that it took years of therapy to be able to freely tell their stories without the high shame response attached to it. He listened patiently to them session after session, holding space, re-working their cognitive narratives that came from the abuse, and letting grace heal them.
I immediately start crying when old, baby boomer men cry. I don’t know why, other than it feels like they’ve worked their entire lives to be giving out these morsels of wisdom to the world.
I will always remember that class during my counseling program, and thought if this is the only thing I’ve learned from this program, it would have been all worth it.
I had 3 of my therapy kids this past week pick out “embarrassment” when we were exploring their feelings from this past week with our feelings chart. One girl told me how she fell and hurt her knee and kids were laughing at her. One girl told me how kids laugh at her when she says things and when she stands up for her friend at school. They want to run away and hide and not let anyone look at them. We drew pictures and told stories and found solutions of going towards a safe adult rather than running away. I told them stories how I can relate. I entered a small, christian school in fourth grade as a new student. There were strict rules for their uniforms and I had on the wrong pair of socks. The teacher came over to me and told me I could not wear those socks again. I was mortified. I had no idea these socks were not in dress code. I went to the bathroom and hid and was so embarrassed. As an adult, I would tell that kid “hey, no big deal”, but as a kid, it feels like the end of the world.
I told these kids’ parents to look at them when they are feeling embarrassed. Look in their eyes and tell her “you’re beautiful and loved”. So she can separate her actions from her identity. Shame tells us “I am bad”. Grace tells us “I am accepted”. Shame is universal human emotion. Those who think they don’t feel it have the highest amount (thanks Brene Brown 🙂). Grace lets us be fully seen and known and heals the marks of shame.
I often try to work myself out of shame. Let me do my to-do list and get myself perfect, then I’ll be accepted. By God and others. But He never works like that. It’s in my greatest moments of pain and shame that I have felt His depth of love the most. And it’s when I’m at my worst, and turn to Him and He gives me His acceptance and grace. He doesn’t care that I freak out about things because He’s with me in it and always ready to give me what I need.
We can do all the right things. We can check the boxes. Do the discipline. Declare the words. Devote ourselves. Look in the mirror and say the good things over our identity. Which is all good. But then there’s grace.
And it’s in this grace, we are healed.
Coax Flowers into Bloom
I made a vision board this year for the first time in years. I put an open door and pictures of laughing at brunch and a suitcase for traveling and inspirational quotes like “it’s not the load that breaks you, it’s the way you carry it” and a gold leaf for the healing for the nations and cake. Always cake. Because cake is a life necessity. And happy couple and happy family pictures. And a picture of a fingerprint with the quote that says “coax flowers into bloom”. My house mate said “everyone I know who has made a vision board, it’s come true”.
So far this year, I’ve traveled, definitely ate cake, had crazy open door meetings that only God could have orchestrated, have an amazing open door job challenge in front of me, had fun laughing brunch times, and have tried to carry my load differently. I went to my friend’s gallery last week and started painting. I painted a canvas pink with pink blooming flowers and thought of my vision board that says coax flowers into bloom.
What does that even mean? I think it means bringing people to life around you. I think it means speaking words that are like kisses that go out and change the DNA of people. I think it means letting love change you.
Another quote on my vision board is about risk. Redefining risk. You might be in danger of opening your heart instead of closing it. Beautiful. But easier said than done, and conquering the intimacy vs. isolation phase. I have this visceral fear of abandonment that comes up when I feel too vulnerable. My therapist normalizes my fears, and tells me how lovable I really am, but living to love and be loved is scary. And beautiful. And real. And fully alive. And I have people in my life who love me so much. In spite of my edges and fears. My therapist also tells me this is normal.
I did a prophesy your year class the beginning of this year and all I wrote for September was “learn more about encounters with God”. I took an encounters class last Saturday and He showed up so beautifully. He showed up as peace, of immense comfort, of such kindness that I still cry when I think about it, of just bathing me in His goodness. He tells me to just come to Him when I’m stressed out. I think the connection of this Love is what makes us come alive and bloom. What changes us into who we were made to be. Allows us to love the people with the edges and fears. And hopefully coax flowers into bloom around us too.
ahhhh Joy
“You should watch Inside Out 2” one of my therapy clients said to me. “Tell me about it” I said. “Well it starts off with the main character being a ‘good person’. That’s nice I thought. But I get so passionate that people’s behaviors are separate from their identity that I immediately wonder what else is going on in this movie. It creates too much cognitive dissonance when we label ourselves ‘good’ or ‘bad’. When we say “he’s a narcissist” or “she’s arrogant”, we label a person’s entire identity based on maybe just a few choices. I won’t even give kids heavy diagnoses because I believe in the power of self fulfilling prophecy and think all kids are malleable and have hope of change. I won’t even tell a dog “you’re a bad dog”, that’s how strongly I feel about it. I know, a little extreme.
“There’s a lot of other feelings added, and anxiety takes over.” Well I can understand how that feels. “Ok, how does it end?” I wonder. “It ends with Joy” she said. Ahhhh yes. Joy. The human emotion that changes our entire circumstances, or rather just our ability to handle our circumstances. I wouldn’t even call it an emotion. I would call it supernatural. Somehow, the essence of Joy lightens our load. Somehow, laughter heals. It grounds us back to what’s important in life. Family. Community. God. Faith. Helping others. Living for a heavenly reality. Joy brings us strength. It unwinds us. It brings us back to childlikeness, where play is paramount and our imaginations can go in the clouds. But some days, we need to just stay in the clouds of Joy.
Out of Cocooning
I was reading through my past blog on cocooning and transformation. And I thought, it’s time to come out of cocooning. I love feeling cozy and warm and snuggling in with blankets and a good coffee and a better book. But in this season, I don’t want that. I want to be doing work at my job, out jogging with friends, or working on my financial plans or future writings. I feel excited about being at a job I love and enjoy, where people's lives are being tangibly touched and we make a meaningful impact on families.
I went to Europe this summer. Traveled all over Italy with two other girlfriends. I was so stressed. We didn’t know what we were doing. I had never flown to Europe by myself. I had no idea how to navigate public transportation in another country. I did not have the finances for it. It took us over two hours of walking one afternoon just to locate one bus stop for a tour because we got lost. But you know what. We did it. And I have no regrets about that trip. And it was glorious. We drank real Chianti Classico wine overlooking the perfectly manicured vineyards the grapes were grown in. We connected with authentic Italian hospitality that transversed the language barrier. We hiked the Dolomites and spiritually experienced Love while driving towards them and connecting with their Creator.
Out of cocooning. It was time to go traverse the world and take some risks. For me, the stress and fear and anxiety prior to those risks are usually unfounded. We all have our stresses. Our own holdbacks. Our own “what ifs”. But I had things inside of me get activated and released during those travels. We all have hidden treasures, gifts, talents, and abilities hidden in our beings that are waiting to be released to the world around us. We go through seasons of cocooning and transforming, then unraveling, and blooming forth to fly. And now is the time to release them and fly.
With Justice Collective on Mental Health
“It is okay to allow ourselves to cocoon during times of transformation.”
I thought about this quote while talking to the mom of one my clients this weekend. I marveled at this mom’s resilience. She has experienced unimaginable trauma, abuse, and betrayal, and still has managed to get herself and her daughter to a place of safety; and is now starting on a transformative, healing journey. She can let herself grieve and unravel. She is seeing her daughter’s spirit come alive. I told her it is okay to be in a season of “cocooning”. Often, that is when we can transform.
In my therapy work with children, I know they cannot heal and flourish until they feel safe, loved, and secure. Adults are not different; we experience rejection, betrayal, and trauma simply as part of being alive, and with trauma comes fear, an unloving spirit, and a labyrinth of mental health issues. We feel more suspicious and uncertain. We don’t know whom we can trust. Sometimes, when working with children, I simply offer them a safe space to play and process. When they feel at rest, is when they can begin healing. Just like children, adults need seasons of safety, rest, and “cocooning” to heal and allow transformation. It is okay to be gentle with ourselves when we’re going through change, stress, and grief. It is okay to allow ourselves to hide away for a season, and allow new creative things to form within us. When we rest, we find peace within ourselves, that we can then offer to those suffering around us. We can we offer something different. A place of safety. A place of rest. A place of peace that transforms.