and then there’s grace

“Grace is the antidote to shame.” He stood at the front of the classroom crying as he did this lesson. Much less a lesson and much more a holy, spiritual impartation. My therapy professor told stories that day of women who had been so badly abused that it took years of therapy to be able to freely tell their stories without the high shame response attached to it. He listened patiently to them session after session, holding space, re-working their cognitive narratives that came from the abuse, and letting grace heal them. 

I immediately start crying when old, baby boomer men cry. I don’t know why, other than it feels like they’ve worked their entire lives to be giving out these morsels of wisdom to the world.

I will always remember that class during my counseling program, and thought if this is the only thing I’ve learned from this program, it would have been all worth it.

I had 3 of my therapy kids this past week pick out “embarrassment” when we were exploring their feelings from this past week with our feelings chart. One girl told me how she fell and hurt her knee and kids were laughing at her. One girl told me how kids laugh at her when she says things and when she stands up for her friend at school. They want to run away and hide and not let anyone look at them. We drew pictures and told stories and found solutions of going towards a safe adult rather than running away. I told them stories how I can relate. I entered a small, christian school in fourth grade as a new student. There were strict rules for their uniforms and I had on the wrong pair of socks. The teacher came over to me and told me  I could not wear those socks again. I was mortified. I had no idea these socks were not in dress code. I went to the bathroom and hid and was so embarrassed. As an adult, I would tell that kid “hey, no big deal”, but as a kid, it feels like the end of the world.

I told these kids’ parents to look at them when they are feeling embarrassed. Look in their eyes and tell her “you’re beautiful and loved”. So she can separate her actions from her identity. Shame tells us “I am bad”. Grace tells us “I am accepted”. Shame is universal human emotion. Those who think they don’t feel it have the highest amount (thanks Brene Brown 🙂). Grace lets us be fully seen and known and heals the marks of shame. 

I often try to work myself out of shame. Let me do my to-do list and get myself perfect, then I’ll be accepted. By God and others. But He never works like that. It’s in my greatest moments of pain and shame that I have felt His depth of love the most. And it’s when I’m at my worst, and turn to Him and He gives me His acceptance and grace. He doesn’t care that I freak out about things because He’s with me in it and always ready to give me what I need.

We can do all the right things. We can check the boxes. Do the discipline. Declare the words. Devote ourselves. Look in the mirror and say the good things over our identity. Which is all good. But then there’s grace.

And it’s in this grace, we are healed.